Have you ever wondered why men and women communicate differently? Have you found it to be a struggle to get along with those of the opposite sex within the work place due to misunderstandings and disagreements? Learning how to communicate effectively with the opposite sex in personal and business relationships is one of the greatest commodities you possess. Relationships between companies and their customers; doctors with their patients and staff; management with their employees; co-worker to co-worker, is at the heart of any successful business.
Discovering the differences in how men and women think, speak and make decisions, has a profound affect on getting patients to accept treatment plans; companies finalizing the sale; improving productivity between bosses and their staff; co-worker to co-worker relationships, for the benefit of everyone involved. Ask yourself, What makes your company a great one? What makes your company or office stand out from the rest? If you’re thinking that it’s the high-tech gadgets or fancy office layout, you’d be wrong. It’s you! It’s the people that make the difference between a good company and a phenomenal company.
Psychologist and Humorist Bruce Christopher presented an informative seminar at the Southwest Dental Conference in Dallas, Texas entitled “Why Are Women So Strange and Men So Weird?”. Bruce is one of the most sought after Speakers in the Fortune 500 and in many other prestigious organizations. Combining humor and wit, convention-goers were provided useful tips regarding the need to understand and respect the differences between men and women in relation to personal and business relationships, thus opening a window of opportunity to better resolve differences that often occur. Great communicators are people who change their approach based upon the person they are talking to.
- Men and women THINK differently
- Men and women SPEAK differently
- Men and women DECIDE differently
If you are not aware of these differences, you will not be an effective communicator when dealing with your opposite sex colleagues, customers and teammates. Bruce explained how men think COMPARTMENTALLY and women think GLOBALLY.
What is the difference between compartmental and global thinking?
Men and women store information and file away data in their cognitive memory banks very differently. Men tend to open and close “drawers” needed for the immediate moment, much like a file-cabinet-drawer system, staying exclusively in that compartment where nothing else exists except for what is in that one compartment, such as:
Women, on the other hand, tend to do the complete opposite and connect things up, seeing life more globally and how details have underlying and interrelated connections more clearly than men do. It can be quite interesting to sit in a staff meeting and compare how men focus on the end objective, thinking in terms of Product Decision Making, and see how one underlying bit of information can swing the end result due to a woman‘s Process Decision Making. Both ways of thinking, compartmental and global, are great ways to think, with their own inherent strengths and weaknesses. Put them both together on the same team, or in the same relationship, things start getting very interesting.
How do men and women speak differently?
Men speak in short clipped phrases with little or no details (often very frustrating for women), whereas women speak in paragraphs, using an interpersonal style presented in a narrative fashion, giving lots of story-like details. Men want and need the “bottom line” first, maybe followed by adding some details, whereas women will tell a story with lots of details, leaving the bottom line for the end of the story (often frustrating for men). To effectively communicate with someone of the opposite sex, in your personal or career relationships, you must change your approach.
On average, it has been estimated that men speak 12,500 words in a given day and women speak about 25,500 words in a day. Thus comes the old joke about a man going to work and using up 12,495 words and coming home with only five words left! When he arrives home from work he says, “What’s for dinner?” (that’s three) and “Good night” (that’s five!). Dr. Debra Tannen, a linguist and author on the subject, says men and women communicate for different reasons. Men communicate to report facts, while women communicate to build rapport. This mismatch of Report-Talk vs. Rapport-Talk can greatly increase the friction and tension in interpersonal relationships with those of the opposite sex, in the work place and personal lives.
Take for example the situation where a wife asks her husband, “How was your day?” when arriving home from work. The husband answers the bottom-line: “Fine” - which is male code for “nobody died and I still have a job; what else could you possibly want to know?” The wife of course is hoping for a more narrative rendering with some details, and when she doesn’t get them she may begin to complain, “He never tells me anything. I have no idea what is going on in his life”.
At work, men and women also speak different languages. Ladies, have you tried speaking with a male colleague in story-telling narratives, and you begin to notice his eyes begin to glaze over?” It’s not a problem of his not caring about what you’re saying, it’s just that he cannot hear you because you are speaking a foreign language to him. In order to bridge the communication gap between men and women, you must change your approach.
It has been estimated that in a single day, the average office person wastes up to 38% of their day dealing with communication problems in the office environment. One study suggests that up to 70% of what you say to someone of the opposite sex is either misunderstood or not heard at all. By making yourself keenly aware of the different male and female voices you can effectively increase performance and productivity in the work place.
How do men and women decide things differently?
Another way that men and women speak in different languages, creating a massive communication gap between men and women, is how we ask for things we want or need. Women have been taught since childhood to use “hint language” when asking for something she wants or needs. This may manifest itself in the form of a question, raising her shoulders as if she doesn’t know the answer to her question. Wife may turn to husband and say, “Wouldn’t it be nice to go and see a movie tonight?”. Of course, this is her way of saying “I want to go and see a movie tonight”, but unfortunately men often do not get the hint. This is due to the fact that “hint language” is not a part of a man’s language style, since men tend to take language very literally, focusing on the content of the message instead of hidden meanings. Given the question above, “Wouldn’t it be nice to go see a movie tonight”?, a man just might answer with an affirmative “No”, leaving the woman to wonder if her husband or partner even cares about what she wants or needs. Ladies, change your approach, by clearly stating the bottom line of what you want or need instead of dropping hints.
Things men can do:
- Increase the amount of details
- Give more background and content
- Remember that women talk to build rapport-connections
- Ask questions and listen, allow the story to evolve to the bottom line
- While listening, maintain eye contact, nod your head, be attentive and give verbal signals such as “Uh-huh”, “Really?”, “Are you kidding?”
- Increase non-verbal excellence by trying to read between the lines of what is being said vs. what is meant, picking up some of the hints she may be dropping for you.
Things women can do:
- Give the bottom line first
- Resist the thought that he needs the background and story-like context. After giving him the bottom line, pause a moment and then ask if he would like more details. Try it and you might just find the men in your life remembering what you say more effectively.
- Avoid speaking in hint language. Try and remember that men often do not get the hint; they hear a question needing an answer. Be direct, using “I want” or “I need” - try not to expect men to guess or read your mind about what you are saying. Women who have become excellent leaders, have learned the art of assertive and respectful communication without sounding bossy or aggressive. Remember, when it comes to closing the communication gap between men and women, delivery is everything.
For more information about Bruce Christopher’s seminars, tapes and books, contact:
Bruce Christopher Seminars at www.bcseminars.com
Tags: Business Relationships, Communication, Continuing Ed, Productivity by D.A.
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